THIS IS SO FUCKING TERRIBLE!

So, I’m watching this because of Michael Fassbender. The girl Angel — award for most ironic name — is the most horrid of creatures. [This is not an opinion on the actress, she plays this wretched beast masterfully.] I almost didn’t make it to his appearance. I’m glad I stuck it out though because, he is the seriously best part of this entire piece of shit film. But to reiterate… IT’S TERRIBLE! Michael Fassbender is playing this guy who is A. an asshole. B. a man-whore. I mean this because the title character is his sugar mama. This is an oversimplification, but not really. He hates this woman… I guess he loves her, but he cannot stand her. She’s trying to change him. It’s all very bad. It’s so bad, it’s like a parody. Is it a parody? No. I think this is supposed to be serious. IT’S SO FUCKING BAD. Even the greatness that is Fass cannot save this.

• There are parts that are LESS terrible.
• I think Inglorious Basterds might be the only film in which we don’t see Fassbender’s glorious ass.

Everything on down is probably a spoiler if you care enough to want to watch this unspoiled.

• I knew he hated her! He went to war then apparently, on leave, he’s out here gallivanting with other women.
• He’s back from war. He now has one leg.
• He is an unsavory character. He gambles, cheats, and then comes home drunk and attacks / attempts to rapes her.
• Then after he leaves and comes back, she’s all “I knew you wouldn’t leave me!”
• So, basically she’s a fucking idiot.
• Also, he’s miserable as fuck… but he’s stuck. Cheaper to keep her, as they say.
• I predict a suicide. Or death by alcohol poisoning.
• OMG I WAS RIGHT! Not a fucking minute after I wrote that.
• Off topic: his hands — he’s lying in a coffin — are incredible.
• Oh, she found out abut the other woman. 
• OOH! THIS M’FUCKER WAS WAS USING HER MONEY TO TAKE CARE OF HIS MISTRESS AND THEIR SON! Scandalous!
• She goes to confront the lady, the lady chill as fuck. Like… not even acknowledging anything. Or not giving a fuck.
• She’s a crazy cat lady.
• Two people died hilariously dramatic… the mom and Angel. They both just decided to go ‘head and kick the bucket. Like :gasp::dead:

I just needed to rant that out.

The second half of this movie wasn’t THAT bad. It had one or two really umm… kitschy(?) moments, but it was kind of decent. Overall, though… TERRIBLE FUCKING FILM!